


Breaking Down Walls

by pepperminteeth



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 17:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4715108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepperminteeth/pseuds/pepperminteeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alfred just doesn't understand what Ivan is hiding from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking Down Walls

**Author's Note:**

> Originally a gift to a Tumblr user, but I decided to post it on here. I've never written Russia before so I give my sorries if it is OOC. Feedback is well appreciated!

                Ivan sunk slowly into his bathtub, being taken to a state of euphoria as the hot water engulfed his body. He let his head roll back to stare at the cream color of his ceiling and let his thoughts numb.

_“You know you can tell me anything, right?”_

His body cringed as the words reverberated in his skull, sending icy shivers to prick at his back. It was rather a big thing to say to a person, in fact the amount of trust you would need to have in someone to tell them everything seemed like an insane amount. Ivan had been around for centuries upon centuries, so you would have assumed he could read a person like a book. However astonishingly enough the human mind was an uncharted world for Ivan. Growing up in an environment full with enemies and isolation didn’t give him the upper hand at learning about things like trust, so all he could do is go by what he felt rather than thought.

Ivan let out a deep sigh and raised a wet hand to the bridge of his nose, pinching it in frustration. He slowly opened his eyes and stared blankly at the plain wall in front of him as he began to play through the memory in his mind, for what felt like the thousandth time.

_“You know it’s like a hundred degrees out here?” Alfred said with a subtle laugh, cracking his knuckles in front of him. “Why are you dressed like there’s a blizzard or some shit?”_

_It was an unusually hot day in the meeting hall, the air being menacingly thick as the Sun beamed harshly through the large windows, the air conditioning seeming insignificant to everyone. All except the more southern countries were miserable, in which they passed on sly smirks to one another as they saw their companions struggle under the sultriness of the day.  Most of the other nations chose to dress in light clothing rather than formal military ensembles, well, all except Ivan, who still wore his old coat and scarf like a badge, despite appearing like he was about to melt._

_Ivan waved a hand to dismiss his friend’s question._

_“It does not phase me. I have been around long enough to deal with slight heat.”_

_“Then explain why your face is so flustered and sweaty.”_

_“I do not know what you mean.”_

_Alfred raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief, evidently not buying his story._

_“Dude, you’re overheating. Take some layers off before you get sick. Or at least take off your scarf.”_

_Ivan’s doe like eyes darkened at his words, causing his body to slightly curl up in discomfort._

_“I’d rather not.”_

_“Are you sure? Because I don’t want you to-“_

_“I said,” Ivan fixed his gaze to lock with Alfred’s, his face carved into a stern expression, his eyebrows being furrowed together and his soft smile replaced with a slightly pursed pair of lips. “I’d rather not.”_

_Alfred nodded awkwardly and quickly fixed his gaze to his lap, mindlessly staring at his thumbs._

_Ivan immediately felt a pang of guilt for snapping at his companion, closing his eyelids tight in shame._

_“I apologize.” Ivan mumbled, biting his bottom lip until it reddened._

_“It isn’t you. There are just a lot of things I have a hard time explaining.”_

_A heavy silence fell between the pair for a moment, neither of them knowing what else to say. Suddenly, Alfred turned his neck to look face Ivan, slowly raising his forearm behind him to rub his back reassuringly._

_“It’s fine. Really I get it. But.”_

_Alfred slowly leaned his head into Ivan’s ear, his forehead pressed to the side of his face. Ivan jolted against his sudden touch, feeling his hot breath prick at his ear, causing a light blush to dust across his cheeks. Alfred spoke with a low, calm voice._

_“You know you can tell me anything, right?”_

He hadn’t even dared to look in Alfred’s direction the rest of the meeting, his own thoughts tumbling over each other and eventually becoming part of one giant mess. He sat there for merely an hour with a grave and numbing expression plastered onto his face. Even Alfred was mostly silent, contributing to the meeting once in a while, but his typical cheerfulness ceased to be in his words.

Ivan’s cheeks burned with crimson as the scene played in a loop in front of him, seeming as if that was the only thing he could think of. But _why_? Why was this such a big deal for him? Why did his words stab through him like knives? It frustrated Ivan to the core, not knowing what to think or how to act.

_Maybe it is because no one has ever cared before._

Ivan’s whole body ran cold at his own thought, everything around him becoming so silent that the only thing he could hear was his heart pound in his chest. The thought of someone caring about him was so new to him it came off as terrifying, the only people he had ever been cared by before were being his sisters. Ivan sat motionless in his bathtub for what felt like years, the water now becoming an uncomfortable lukewarm. He took a hand and ran it through his silvery blonde hair, making it stick up in odd places. Reluctantly, Ivan began to rise out of the bathtub and arched his back with two satisfying cracks. He reached on the marble counter for his towel and proceeded to wrap it snugly around his naked form.

His eyes fixed to the mirror in front of him, which stretched from the top of the wall to the counter, making his whole body visible from the waist up. Ivan arched his neck upward to stare at the various thick scars that lined his throat all the way down to his upper chest. He took two fingers and began to gingerly trace over the pink flesh, going over every inch of all of them. With every touch of his wounds came the memories that they bared, becoming so vivid that Ivan could almost feel the pain again and again. He remembered he would sob every time he looked in the mirror, absolutely disgusted by the monster he was. But now the idea of crying was inexistent to him. His share of tears were fair shed lifetimes ago, what replaced them now was a hollow, grave feeling. It was almost as if he had been hollowed out with each scar, the damage taking his sense of feeling away.

_What would he think if I showed him?_

Ivan had never cared much for what anyone had thought of him, really. But for some peculiar reason, Alfred was a whole different story. Maybe it was just the way that he his smile could speak things that Ivan’s words could never muster. Or perhaps it was how jocose his aura came off that made Ivan feel secure and alive. He wasn’t sure what exactly Alfred was to him, but all he knew is that he didn’t want to lose him. And he was certain that Alfred deserved the best, even though he was far from it.

“He does more for me than I do for him. I trust him more than anyone.”

For once in his life, he actually could believe the words coming out of his mouth, wholly and truly.

It caught Alfred off guard when Ivan had called him up so late in the evening, the rushed tone in his voice when he asked if he could see him immediately made him fall into a state of paranoia. It was convenient for him he had been discussing national loans at Yao’s house at the time of his call, otherwise there was no way he could have arrived at Moscow the next day.

Alfred was ushered into Ivan’s house by Irunya, who was there to mend to Ivan’s garden as Alfred could tell by her matted sundress and the dirt dusted onto her kneecaps and hands.

“Ivan will be down in a moment. I will be outside if you need anything” Irunya gave him a toothy smile, revealing the dimples prominent on her plump cheeks.

“Thanks. I’ll be fine no need to worry.”

Irunya nodded and skipped to the far end of the house, a button from her dress popping off in the process, causing her to walk faster out the back door.

Alfred let out a small laugh, but it was quickly silenced at the sound of a door creaking open upstairs.

“Alfred, are you here?” Ivan called from the room, his voice dripping with uneasiness.

“Yeah I’m here. You want me to come up?”

“Yes please. Thank You.”

“It’s nothing.” Alfred shrugged as he grabbed onto the side rail, making his way rather hastily up the stairs to a light gray door slightly ajar, only darkness peering out of it. Slowly he creaked open the door, slinking into the room. A small lamp was turned on in the corner revealing the darkened figure of Ivan, dressed in his usual coat and scarf.

“Dude, are you okay? You had me so worried on the phone. I thought you were like hurt or something. Wait, you aren’t hurt, right?”

Ivan shook his head. “No. I am not hurt. There was just-“Ivan walked over to Alfred, gingerly putting his hands into his own. “There was something I needed to tell you.”

Alfred held a light tint of red on his cheeks at Ivan’s touch, but he hoped it was hidden in the dim light. He gave him a small nod of reassurance as he proceeded to slip his hands and proceed to take off his coat, immediately making Alfred’s heart drop down to his stomach.

“Uh, what exactly are you showing me?” Alfred stammered with a small gulp. Ivan only responded by holding up a finger, not soothing Alfred’s nerves at all. After his coat in which he threw haphazardly onto the floor, Ivan began to unfurl his scarf, every second feeling like an eternity to the both of them. Alfred could only stand awkwardly in front of him with a look of confusion painted onto his face. The removal of his scarf revealed a neat wrapping of thick white gauze, starting at the top of his neck to what looked like past his collarbone. Alfred’s cyan eyes clouded with mixed emotions, shocked at the patchwork.

“All of my long life,” Ivan whispered, taking a step closer to Alfred, the tips of their shoes now touching.

“I have never known what it was like to have trust. Or for a person to have trust in me. All until a little nation came into my quiet life. It may not have always been great between you and I but,”

Ivan pressed his forehead gently against Alfred’s, peering at him through his eyelashes. Alfred slid a pair of olive like arms around his waist, giving him a gentle pull towards him. Hot breath blew against both of their faces as they stared softly at each other.

“I could never ask for another person to put all of my trust, or my love into.”

Alfred’s entire body froze at Ivan’s breathless words, his eyes growing wide and his entire being turning into stone. His thought all came to a standstill, every nerve in his body felt like it hardened and began to swell into his heart, which hurt with each beat. His finger’s twitched slightly against Ivan’s back. His own mind was clashing together in a serious of various thoughts and emotions. Alfred watched him with fey eyes, causing Ivan to flare up and gnaw hard on his thick lip. They stood like that for a solid minute, their chests inches away from touching, their golden and starch blonde hair entwined together, and the only sound being soft, frantic breaths.

Alfred snapped out of his dumbstruck trance when Ivan began to raise his still gloved hands to the nape of his neck. Following was a soft crinkle, resulting from Ivan beginning to untwine the bandages around his neck. Ivan lifted his head upright to face Alfred.

“Close your eyes.” Ivan said.

Alfred did as instructed, slinking his arms from Ivan’s back and swinging them to his sides. He gave his knuckles a soft crack, as he always did out of bad habit, but other than that he remained as still as a statue.

“Open.” Ivan said slowly, a dash of hesitation in his tone.

He slowly fluttered open his eyes, sliding his glasses up the bridge of his nose in the process. Alfred gaped at the sight before him, clearly not knowing what to say. Ivan stood shirtless with his arms tight around his stomach, slightly slouching. From there Alfred saw the large array of scars that carved his neck down to his chest, some being straight slashes and some being curved and irregular in width. They all looked healed, just very predominant in their pink and large appearance.

“I trust you enough to show you who I really am, and what I have endured.” Ivan mumbled, his eyes being locked with the ground.

“Not all scars define people, however mine do just that. They remind me of who I have been, what I have been viewed as, and they burden memories that no amount of healing will ever fix. I hide them because I wish to never be reminded, not by myself or anyone who looks upon me. But I have learned that hiding all of this inside more damages me than heals, and with that I show you what I am, because you deserve to see the real me.”

Ivan looked up stoic at Alfred.

“No one is perfect, Alfred. In fact I am the least perfect out of anyone you and I will ever meet. But my love for you matters a lifetime’s more to me than pretending to be so. This is not me proving my love to you, but rather me showing you that because of you that I have not only grown as a country, but as a person too.”

Not a heart gave off a beat before Alfred practically flung himself into Ivan’s arms, squeezing him with all of his strength. Ivan promptly embraced him back, entwining his fingers with the hair on his head. Alfred burrowed his head into the side of the man’s neck, giving Ivan a soft kiss at the base of his throat. Alfred threw his head up to meet with Ivan’s, to which he crashed their lips together in one emotional and feverish kiss. The kiss wasn’t set on a level of passion and lust, but rather on an overwhelming wave of emotion, so heavy that it turned both of their minds to pure static. Alfred was the one to pull away first, his feelings overpowering his need for oxygen. Alfred let out a few small gasps and pressed his forehead back against Ivan’s, as which they have recently noticed that they do often.

“You’re wrong.” Alfred whispered between each heavy breath.

“No one’s scars define them, regardless of what story they have. These scars could cover your whole body and never change who you are today, whether it’s in my eyes or any other person’s. In fact, you said it yourself. These scars represent what you have endured, not who you are today. Look, I know nothing about your past, and frankly, I don’t really give a fuck. It’s not that I want to ignore what’s obviously hurting you, it’s because well, I love you for who you are, and I know I can’t help erase the memories, but the least I can do is tell you that I don’t see your scars, I just see Ivan, a wonderful person who I as well put all of my trust and love into.”

Ivan beamed bright at Alfred’s words of reassurance, feeling as if all of the burdens of the world had been lifted off of his shoulders. Ivan gave Alfred a big kiss on his cheek, grazing his lips all the way down until it met his mouth again for one long, calm kiss.

The pair laid in Ivan’s bed for about an hour, their own limbs thrown haphazardly over one another, Alfred had stripped down to a white shirt, removed his glasses, and kicked his shoes off, while Ivan had remained shirtless but removed his gloves and boots. They rested peacefully in each other’s embraces, their chest’s synchronizingly rising up and down.

“You know,” Ivan whispered in to his partner’s ear, causing him to giggle as hot breath tickled his ear.

“I think I may not wear my scarf or bandages to a meeting. Not this upcoming one, but soon. When I am ready.”

Alfred opened his eyes to meet with Ivan’s noticing how he was now propped up on his elbows and gazing down at him.

“It’s all up to you. I’m just going to give you a heads up, not everyone is like me. You’re not going to know how everyone will react.”

“I know. But eventually they will have to accept it, whether they chose to like it or not.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Alfred said as he nestled into Ivan’s chest, which made him give out a soft laugh and plop back down on the matress. Ivan rolled to his side to stare at the ceiling, which had large shadows faintly painted across it. Ivan took in a deep breath and fluttered his eyes shut, becoming drowsy by the hypnotic sound of his partner’s steady breathing.

“ _You know you can tell me anything, right?”_

Ivan smiled softly to himself as the words clouded his mind as he drifted off to sleep.

_Yes, and you can do the same with me._


End file.
